Who would have known I would be contemplating the idea of dying happy sitting in a crowd full of thousands of people. Yet, after bargaining and befriending all sorts of people to capitalize any movement toward the stage after 4 hours, that’s exactly what happened. We were all waiting for J. Cole, we skipped Erykah Badu’s set all together so we could have a decent view. The curtains dropped and he began rapping to the mic with a sock over it making his voice unheard and muffled, he was playing the beat to “Rags To Riches.” Eventually his voice faded back in, and he was rapping the words. I still think that in the beginning he was singing lyrics that aren’t those of “Rags To Riches,” though I’m not certain.
The look in his eyes is something inexplicable, a look that you feel the graveness of, a look that reveals the severity of what’s at stake on his mission. The energy he emits is one that I haven’t experienced anywhere else. The energy in the crowd radiates feelings of love, hope, appreciation, pain, and happiness. As the night progressed my thoughts continued wandering, my feelings growing. He played hit after hit after hit. I couldn’t keep up, if I kept screaming the lyrics I would be amongst those that passed out.
As my thoughts continued wandering, they kept returning to one thought. If I died right now, I would die happy. I never understood this saying; how could I die right now and be happy? I have so much more to live for, so much more to accomplish, so much love for life. Yet, that thought kept recurring. The songs kept coming and I kept pouring my heart out. I was enjoying the music, enjoying life, appreciating this moment, this experience. I smiled a smile that felt so real and genuine that it felt fake and forced. I wanted to cry, I was so close, so close. Yet I couldn’t, as much as I wanted to the tears wouldn’t cross the threshold. They were so close, they were an inch away, yet the threshold wasn’t crossed.
Again, I felt this paradoxical smile and the tears came just as close as before but never came out. I thought of my loved ones, of the ones that I wished were here with me sharing this experience. Of my little brother, my sister. I thought about the appreciation I have for my best friend who joined me, for the appreciation for life. The same thought came. Maybe I could die right now, and I would die happy. But no! I wouldn’t. But yes! I would. I would’ve died happy if I died in that exact moment. Then, I understood. I finally understood, after all these years. I wouldn’t die content, I wouldn’t die fulfilled, I wouldn’t die accomplished, but I would die happy. I would die having felt love in my heart, a genuine joy and bliss, and happiness. I got it. If I died right now, I would die happy. It’s true, at that moment I didn’t want to die but I knew for a fact that if something happened right then and there I would have left this earth happy, with love in my heart and a smile on my face.
Unfortunately, the tears never came. And I think that is a problem I have to address eventually. I wanted to cry so badly, at multiple moments. But I felt a barrier, a wall. “Just feel the emotions” I said to myself, “just feel them”. Nothing, I felt the emotions, but nothing came. And Cole started saying his goodbyes. His goodbyes for good from the game. He mentioned this was his last time doing this during the set. He meant it. So, he addressed his depart and embraced “Farewell.” It was a clear message. He is done with Dreamville Fest, he is retiring soon. And one line in particular spoke to me, showed me that the night was of a higher realm, an angelic presence. “This for the n—– climbing heavens stairwell, aye farewell, I pray you n—– farewell.”
I think this is a very mic g perspective on the performance.